Farewell Turkey
My time in Turkey is coming to an end. Since leaving my job in April, I been considering what to do, what my next step should be. I decided I needed to figure out what makes me happy and pursue it. After extensive thought and consideration, I realized that the answer to that question was not Turkey. Already my farewell entry has not started as I thought it would, so let me explain how I have been feeling.
* * *
Working here has been tough. My employer was extremely unprofessional. Problems included but were not limited to:
- I was rarely paid on time
- Business trip expenses were not reimburse for days even weeks sometimes.
- The lack of a strong leader meant we had little vision, no company culture, and no guidance. There was also very poor dissemination of information between the different parts of the company.
- Often my bills were not paid on time (part of my compensation package) resulting in the loss of utilities in my apartment.
- A clear and blatant double standard between the owners and everyone else.
There were other things, and many specific cases where I thought I was going to snap (and instances where I did snap). Most of the time I had to act on my own to get anything done. With no clear leadership, a decision making process was virtually non-existent, so I learned to make judgments on my own. Furthermore, to keep motivated, I had to set my own measures of success, and build my own confidence. This was something that was very difficult to do. From when we first enter school, success is easily and frequently measured. Tests, quizzes, homeworks, projects - all allow for a numerical representation of success. For 18 years I was constantly evaluated and provided with feedback on my performance. Working here in Turkey I did not have that. The owners hardly said a word about what I was doing. I was more or less on my own. I had to redefine success, to throw out my 18 year old definition, and make a new one myself. This was one of the most difficult and enlighten tasks I had during my time working here in Turkey
This stress at work got so bad at one point, that I developed Reynaud’s Syndrome from the emotional stress, in January. This syndrome is incredibly inconvenient because even the slightest chill sets off a strong reaction. I also have quite an uncomfortable pain in my wrists - from a combination of bad typing posture and rock climbing - that really killed what self motivation I had left towards the end of my employment. Although the Reynaud’s syndrome has passed, my wrists seem to show little sign of improvement.
Despite all the downsides, I did some math, and I think I may have been the best compensated employee there. But I also learned that money is not the most important thing to me.
* * *
My life here in Istanbul has also not been what I wanted. My company and my apartment were both located far outside the city in a place called Buyukcekmece. Very few people out in Buyukcekmece speak English. This meant that after work, I was alone. Those of you that know me well, know that I am very social, and like to surround myself with my friends all the time. Getting out of work I had two options. Staying in Buyukcekmece meant being alone and isolated. My computer would be my only connection to friends, family and other English speakers.
My second option was to drive to the city and see my friends. This meant at least one hour in traffic each way (very stressful), and then I was often faced with the challenge of trying to find someone to stay with before driving to work in the morning. If staying in the city that meant planning ahead by bringing clothes for the following day. Coming to the city a second day meant that I was essentially living out of a suitcase on friends’ couches and extra beds. Combined with my busy travel schedule, I spent less and less time in my apartment until I was on average four nights a month in my apartment over the past six months. It feels like being homeless.
In addition to the stresses of constantly being displaced and stuck in traffic, many other factors have contributed to my growing discomfort here in Istanbul. Humans are creatures of habit, and although adaptable, it’s tough moving to a new environment. I am from a small town in Long Island, New York. I lived there most of my life. Istanbul is a huge city, that is noisy, the air is dirty, it’s hot, too sunny (I like rain), the food is different, the culture is different, the language is different. All these factors contribute a small amount of stress. If you remember my post “Home Sick” I talked about how the taste and feel of the air one November morning reminded me so much of being in New York. I miss the way the air tastes. I miss bagels for breakfast in the morning. I miss people stopping at stop signs. I miss hearing people’s stupid conversations about the weather in the deli (I never thought I would be saying that). As the stress has slowly accumulated, I started missing home
Despite having many Turkish friends before coming here, and having almost exclusively Turkish friends in Turkey, and having adapted quite well, I never quite felt right. I always felt like I was doing something wrong, stepping on people’s toes, or overstaying my welcome. Some people told me, and some didn’t, but I felt like people thought I was taking advantage of them. Because of this, I was not quite able to get comfortable, and recently, I have discovered the comfort of being around other Americans. Towards the end of my stay here I have met a few Americans, and I have found that I feel so much more at ease and comfortable being around them. Don’t get me wrong, my friends here were great, and many of them will be my friends for life, but something never quite felt right. Perhaps there were some small subtleties within the culture that I just didn’t pick up on, or that I didn’t adapt to. Although not consciously aware of these things, I felt them.
There were also certain mentalities and ways of thinking here that I strongly disagree with, but for peace’s sake, I kept my mouth shut.
I spent my first few months running around like a maniac. Spending long hours at work, traveling, partying with my friends, taking weekend trips. I never had a minute to stop. It was a wild rush like that first year at college. It wore me out. When I stopped the madness and tried to quiet my life, I realized how much some of the cultural differences were weighing on me. Slowly in the past six months or so I have really felt this pressure. A lot of it comes from the language barrier. I know, it’s my own fault for not making the effort to learn it. As I said I was running around madly for my first few months. Coupled with my stress from work, the last thing I wanted to do was put my mind to work on a new problem, so I just pushed it under the rug. What I have realized is that I am not as resilient as I thought. The cultural differences and the language barrier really start to grind on you. I know enough Turkish words to get by most of the time, but it’s not enough. The Americans I have met in the last few months have been a welcome retreat. Even things like eating bacon and eggs and then throwing an American Football around is a wonderful comfort.
* * *
When I came here, I agreed to work one year and evaluate my position. I started March 25th, 2007 and walked out of the office as an employee for the last time March 26th, 2008. At times myself, and colleagues, did not think I was going to make it six months let alone a year. I was frustrated and angry so much, that everyone thought I was going to snap. Heck, I even though I was going to snap. Had it not been for two very special people (I am not going to name any names) in my life here, I would have never made it the full year. Without them I would have left one year ago. I would give anything to take them with me to my next step in life. I am forever in their debt.
But I have learned a lot from my experience at my job. My father said once that if you are not struggling, you are not learning anything. By that statement, I should be able to build a nuclear weapon blind folded with one hand. I did learn a lot. First off, I got to see first hand the wrong way of doing things, but mostly about myself, and the interactions between other people. Through my job I got to travel through many different cultures, further honing my cross cultural communication skills. I got to see how people do business around the world, and how they approach it (I could go on and on about this subject, but I will spare you). Most important, I learned a lot of patience. I learned that you can’t fight every battle and expect to win, I learned to shut up and roll with it, and I learned to be completely autonomous and self reliant within a business frame work. Although hard learned, I feel these lessons will be invaluable.
Further thinking on the subject, I have realized that I can learn a lot more working in my home culture. I think what I would like to do is work in the US in a large multinational corporation for a few years, and then go out again (hopefully not alone). I want to have the skills and knowledge that I was not able to get here. Although I learned a lot working here, I still have a lot to learn. Such a job in the states would teach very different lessons.
Good bye Turkey. Everything was great. Sorry I couldn’t tell you more about the Turkish girls (I never got to date one). I am also sorry that I missed so many things about Istanbul that I had wanted to share with you. It’s truly a wonderful place and I highly recommend it for anyone looking for adventure, or a simple change of pace. You won’t be bored, I promise. I am also sorry to my friends. I hope none of you feel like I am leaving or betraying you. The simple fact of the matter is I haven’t been living the life I want for myself here. It’s been an adventure and it’s been fun, but it’s not right for me. And lately, I have felt that my mental health has deteriorated to the point that I need to address the issue.
* * *
My last week in Istanbul was night after night of good bye event. The day before I left it rained all day. Some friends said that this was because Istanbul was crying for me. I would be a liar to say that I didn’t also cry for Istanbul and all the great people I met there along the way. Although everyone had fun and we smiled a lot during our goodbyes, I had a lump in my throat every time I said goodbye. Some people were harder to say good bye to than others, but none were easy.
Someone asked me if I am sad to leave Istanbul? Yes; more than anyone will ever know. I have departed from Istanbul with a heart as heavy as gold.
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